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I am so lonesome without him right this minute I could die. He is my direction.
I don't know what to do with myself without that. There are needs that I have he is not here to feel..and I don't think anyone else really can. I don't trust people like that anymore. I used to.

I was in a relationship that was so wonderful..and would have gotten so much more wonderful..and then one of the parties involved lied..so now it is all over, and what was discussed to be there for me is gone..so I've got to look on my own..even though the idea of getting into a relationship with another woman is rather scary to me (she almost made me lose my husband..like I would have ever allowed the things she had planned to happen..) I need to. I cannot go on like this.

I tried one other relationship with a woman after her..but it didn't pan out..she didn't like Americans..and well..here I am..American. I'm glad that ended as quickly as it did.
I hope she has a wonderful life in her "superior" UK..sigh..I should have liked to stay with her if she hadn't been so demeaning to everyone else..

I can't be alone. I just can't handle it. I have needs. Physical, mental..and otherwise..
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So many things stirred up..sometimes I can barely breath. The whole world is a different place without him here. I have learned so much about the people around me that I did not believe..some of it is good..a good deal of it is bad. He has no idea how much his very absence altars the attitude and behavior of others in regards to our little family. I've been hit on more times than I can count..apparently every man around views me as a whore. I don't understand why..I've not given them any reason I can see to believe it.
*sigh* Don't get me wrong, I'm lonesome, but for him. For awhile, I was concerned with how I was going to handle that..but I'm not overwhelmingly in need..and if I do become so..a woman sounds much more appealing.

I can't even imagine another man's hands on me anymore. The very idea is ludicrous..I never thought I'd feel this way in my whole life..but I do. Anything else would just fill me with such shame, I fear I'd die of it. He has shown me nothing but loyalty..perhaps a little paranoia from time to time..but loyalty nonetheless..and I shall be certain to return it the best that I can.

I only wish I could do half as much for him as he has, and does, do for me.
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Today I am 29 years old. I can still see, albeit not well, even though they told me that I would be blind 4 years ago. My Mother passes away this last February, and my husband is training to leave for Iraq from his training station the end of this month.

I have a seven year old little girl. She's smart, and sassy, but a little naive, and alot of emotional. :) I homeschool her, and we're dealing with dyslexia. It's difficult sometimes, but extremely rewarding, almost like breastfeeding was really. It's more work, but the benefits far outway the effort needed.

I have a stepson that is just the most awesome young man. He is everything he needs to be to succeed. :) And he's a lot of fun too. His father is so very proud of him, and I think he has turned out great. His parents should be commended for raising such a fine young man.

I have the most wonderful husband in the whole wide world. My Mate, My Best Friend, My Everything..he makes me feel alive! Everything about him is complementary to what I want and need in this world. We don't always agree, but sometimes you need that too! LOL
I miss him terribly when he is gone, but I try to find ways to fill the time while he is gone with constructive things, so that I can make him proud upon his return. What he thinks of me means so very much to me..

I have bipolar disorder. I am struggling with it, but I am used to it, if that makes any sense to anyone else out there. LOL I had a childhood that does not bear repeating. I tried that in the past, and it has only brought me grief. Raw honesty is often viewed as niavete..

..and sometimes I am quite niave.

I like a little bit of everything, and there are layers of myself that I can only talk about with you if I know you well. My spirituality, and identifications I make of myself are not often of public interest. (And no, I'm not a satanist..) Sometimes it's just because someone wouldn't find it interesting, and other times it's because I'm not interested in explaining myself..LOL

For breakfast today I had toasted peanut butter and banana sandwiches..with broccoli and baby carrots w/ dill veggie dip, apple slices and grape juice..my daughter and I ate on my bed together..it was divine.

I was given roses by my little girl's best friend..for my altar nonetheless! (And NO, I'm not Wiccan..) I saw my sister yesterday..haven't heard from either of my little brothers..saw my Dad and StepMom..and hung out with some of my neighbors abit.

Tomorrow, my daughter will go stay with her ex-stepfather, and I will blow some money doing something, and then cleaning out an apartment all weekend. I intend to be smashed.
:) It's my party, and I can fall down if I wanna, fall down if I wanna, fall down if I wanna.. La-la-la-la..:)

Who knows what this evening even has in store? There are so many things that are bad, and so many that are good..and while I may not like the balance, at least..sometimes..it exists..instead of never at all.
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Well, tis my first post in her in 6wks. Wow.
I guess I used this a helluva lot more often when Ayla and I were together.

Maybe that's why I avoid it here.

Sometimes I miss her, but it passes fairly quickly most of the time.

I am in a strange place, all of these things going around my head so quickly.

I'd write them down, but I've got to be sleeping soon.
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Have been trying like dickens to get ahold of my friend in Wisconsin.
Utterly clueless as to how to comment or send message on here.
Damn it. I hope he doesn't think I've abandoned him. Hell, I just found out how to read his journal again! WTF!
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I wish it had not happened to her.
It is almost as if she had died, but she, so young, must now face a living death.
I only hope that she finds a way to forget.
He is a Monster.
And all I can do now is weep for her, and wish I could hold her safe to me.
At least she is free from him now.
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It's been all this time, and I keep checking up on her.
I never fall out of love with anyone..I just have to let them go sometimes.
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My mother died last night.
And I can't help, as much as I love her, that I don't feel worse about it.
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There is little that I can say or do that will change what is going to happen. I knew all the time that it could happen, and probably would happen. So why cry about it now? Because all along I was hoping I would "win the lottery" and I allowed myself to live in disbelief that I wasn't that lucky..seems I'll know soon enough.

But I'd feel so much better if he'd just retire from the service.
That's bad to say, it makes him happy, and it's patriotic, and I should be proud (and I AM)..but I'm so afraid he won't come home to me.
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I grew tired of walking in these shoes.

I don't even know who they used to belong to.

Once they were a comfort to me, I think.

A protection from the hard turf beneath.

Something to prevent all those nicks and bruises,
that had made walking so difficult before.

Then, one day, I caught a stone in one shoe..
and I took it off.

When my foot touched the ground I was
amazed to find the grass was quite soft,
and I felt almost..free.

So I grew bold, and removed the other shoe.

It felt glorious to me!

How could I have forgotten this feeling?!

I walked aways, but I held on to those shoes.
I wanted to return them.

I journeyed in my mind, straining to recall
who they belonged to.

I saw snippets of faces, voices, threats,
and worse..

The more I remembered, the more I could NOT
recall when I had recieved these shoes..

I began to look them over for any initials or
markings that might give me a clue.

They were much smaller than my feet,
the toe quite pointed and confining.

They seemed to be made of some sort of wire,
hard and unrelenting,
yet rusted and uncared for..

They looked to be light,
but indeed, were extremely heavy,
and difficult to carry alone.

On it, I found tiny print etched into the metal.

I stared at it long and hard,
and after pulling out my magnifying glass
I saw that it was all covered in little stories..

more like memories..

of my past.

Weeping, I turned over the shoe that had caught
a stone, and I saw two letters etched..


Curious as to what this could be,
I turned over the other shoe to see if it
shared the mark.

There I found..


There was PAIN..
I had been walking on my pain
for all of these years,
when I could have been just walking..
with only the occasional nick or bruise.

Only, I'm not sure what to do with the shoes now..
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